We’ve been working tirelessly here at Google to upgrade our Chrome browser since the last upgrade seven minutes ago. We understand that downloading and re-starting your browser disrupts your workflow, but you weren’t working anyway. Get excited! There are additional features that you probably won’t even notice, or ever use. Here’s what’s new in Google Chrome.

Search-Bar Autofill

When you search something, we won’t correct your spelling or try to autofill your question. We will make you work for it. Type everything yourself. You’re an adult, you can figure this out. How bad do you want to look this information up? Yes, this is a test.

Privacy Update

We figured that, since everything is shared on social media anyway, let’s get rid of privacy. Anything you search is going into our public database for others to see. Who knows, other people may also be trying to search the exact same thing! But be careful what you put in that search bar. It may ruin you.

Graffiti Mode

Dark mode was getting a little boring. So we’ve spiced things up with Graffiti Mode. All the words on your screen will suddenly look airbrushed and spray-painted. How cool is that?! With Google Chrome, you’re not searching the web, you’re time-travelling through the subway tunnels of Brooklyn in the nineteen-eighties.

Tab Control

We’re no longer letting you have forty-seven tabs open at the same time. You get four tabs at once, max. Once you open a fifth tab, we turn off the pop-up blocker and let pop-up ads flood your computer. You want to be chaotic with forty-seven tabs? We’ll show you chaos.

Incognito Logo

We’ve updated the Google Incognito logo. There’s the fedora, the totally inconspicuous glasses, and now we’re adding a thick mustache!

A.I.-Overview Expansion

We’ve expanded our A.I. overview. Before, we only compiled answers using artificial intelligence. Now we’re going with whatever our buddy Gus thinks. He works in the human-resources department and he’s super opinionated. Gus has an answer for everything. Are they the right answers? No. But Gus is very passionate, and he wears suits, which makes him tough to argue with.

Search Speeds

There are billions of people using this browser. And, honestly, our staff is pretty overworked. We’re going to take a little more time to find what you’re looking for. Thanks for understanding.

Bookmarks

You can still save shortcuts to your favorite websites so you don’t have to type them in every time. However, if you don’t visit that website for thirty days, we’re removing it from your Bookmarks tab. It’s clear you don’t need a shortcut for it. Stop pretending that you’re reading the Financial Times.

Cookies

Nothing has changed. Every website will continue to ask if you accept cookies. What are cookies? Doesn’t matter. Our hands are tied. ♦