Thanks so much again for staying with Blythe for a few days while I’m out of town. She is generally very chill and quiet, but here are some tips to make the weekend go as smoothly as possible.

Morning Routine

Blythe usually gets up around 8 A.M. She doesn’t need an alarm because she’s old now and wakes up multiple times a night, and when she sees that it’s almost 8 A.M. she just gives up. If you need her to get up earlier than that, right before she goes to bed, casually mention a project that she’s fallen behind on. She will bolt upright at 7:15 A.M. yelling, “I have infinite work to do!” Once Blythe is up it’s very important to fill her bowl with iced coffee.

Other than that, she’s pretty low-maintenance in the morning—she’ll happily play on her phone, skimming the news and doing her word games. You don’t have to pay much attention to her, but when she beats the Times Spelling Bee and exclaims, “I’m a genius!” you should humor her and respond, “Wow!”

Daily Routine

Blythe’s schedule should include writing, eating lunch, and doing yoga, followed by writing more, going for a walk, writing more, running errands, and finally free time for leisure. She will literally never manage to stick to this schedule, but don’t point that out to her.

Make sure that water is always available to Blythe, but don’t freak out if she doesn’t drink much. Blythe believes that hydration is “a conspiracy invented by Gatorade.”

Treats

You can let Blythe have a treat (trail mix) occasionally, but don’t let her have too much or she will run around, repeatedly howling, “Woo, I can’t be trusted around trail mix!”

Exercise

Blythe should exercise once a day or she’ll get doomy. If you’re feeling ambitious, there’s Barry’s Bootcamp or a run in the park. If you’re feeling like wearing more gold jewelry than you’ve ever worn in your life, in a scenario in which you torture your abs, there’s Pilates. If you’re looking to surround yourself with women whose style icon is Carolyn Bessette there’s a “no choreo, just movement” dance class. If it’s raining and Blythe doesn’t want to leave the house, I’ve bookmarked a YouTube channel of chair yoga for old people.

Dogs

Blythe gets very excited if she sees a small dog on the street and will yell, “LOOK AT THAT SMALL DOG!” Just worth knowing.

Toys

Blythe’s favorite toys are Computer, Book About Trees, Other Book About Trees, and TV (she is currently watching season five of “ER”). If you catch her online shopping for hundred-and-fifty-dollar vintage Fleetwood Mac shirts just very firmly say, “Drop it.”

Evening Routine

At night, Blythe will declare, “I’m not brushing my teeth, I’m too tired!” If you calmly reply, “O.K., I’m going to brush my teeth, though,” she will brush her teeth as a result of peer pressure. You can give her a CBD bedtime treat but if she eats it, she will probably start saying stuff like, “Water is actually crazy, right?”

Triggers

Blythe is justifiably afraid of thunderstorms after eight years of living in a rent-stabilized apartment with a porous roof. If there is a weather event, just put on an episode of “ER” and turn the volume way up.

Shoes

If you leave your shoes out, Blythe will likely pick them up and say, “Oh, my God, these are so cute. Where did you get them?” and then buy the exact same pair.

Allergies

Blythe is allergic to penicillin. She might say “supposedly” or “Let’s see if that’s still true”—don’t listen to her. Also, if Blythe eats a grape she will die.

In Case of Emergency

There’s a CityMD a couple blocks away, and a bunch of different pills all mixed up in the medicine cabinet. With most of Blythe’s health issues, I’ve found that she’ll calm down if you encourage her to make a calendar event for one month from now titled, “Do I have botulism yet?” and tell her not to worry about it until then. If something truly bad happens, for some reason, her emergency contact is her mom who lives sixteen hours away.

That should be it! I’ll be pretty busy during all five days of the Gangster Movies Starring Robert De Niro Film Festival for Boyfriends, but I will be available via text if you have any questions. Please send me any cute photos you take of Blythe drinking water. If you need Blythe to come over to you at any time simply hold up your phone and say, “Look at this meme.” ♦