Are you a person of child-bearing age thinking about trading in your United States citizenship for a spouse in a country with robust social-welfare infrastructure? Have you always dreamed of being part of a big, successful, artistic family? Do you enjoy meatballs, snow, and remaining neutral during conflicts?

Then you might be the perfect candidate for a Skarsgård Green-Card Marriage. (Green cards are called something else in Swedish, but grönten-korten didn’t workshop well.)

Each one of our lucky clients will be expertly matched with a Skarsgård sibling, which are indeterminate in number. Skarsgårdologists estimate that while there’s no more than forty-one Skarsgård offspring, there are certainly no fewer than seventeen.

Your unique profile will be run through our database of between seventeen and forty-one Skarsgård profiles, for a potential seventeen to forty-one matches! Our rubric will pair you with the Skarsgårds with whom you have the most compatibility, and we’ll reach out to each of their agents to see if they’re into it.

If that sounds statistically far-fetched, do not be discouraged. There’s many a Skarsgård for us to approach before declaring you unSkarsgårdable, and we definitely have not yet burned bridges with all seventeen to forty-one of their respective agents.

By marrying into the Skarsgård family, you will be weaving yourself into the very fabric of Sweden, a peaceful country with a rich and distinctive culture, to which it’s not easy to gain citizenship. Skarsgårdologists believe that this was the motivation behind Stellan Skarsgård, the patriarch, having procreated as much as he did—to provide the less developed world with a multitude of paths to Swedish citizenship. Why else would he possibly have had so many kids, if not to furnish the less developed world with a cache of intensely offbeat indie actors as an off-ramp from crumbling democracies? The demand is high, but thanks to Stellan, so is the supply.

Once we pair you with your optimal match, you’ll receive a photo and an IMDb link so you can start familiarizing yourself with your unique Skarsgård’s avant-garde filmography right away. Soon after, communication will be initiated and the process of acquaintanceship will begin.

While your Skarsgård match might reach out via e-mail or text, other communication methods may include messages delivered in bottles lobbed from fishing vessels into the Baltic Sea, unsigned vintage postcards, or through a trained raven. You should also leave yourself open to being contacted through “vibes” (via kånslor).

The Skarsgård courtship period can vary in length, ranging from instant chemistry at a Scandinavian yarn barn to decades spent wandering a dark, emotional tundra punctuated only by a disorienting thirty-nine hours of consecutive daylight during a Swedish Midsummer.

Despite some common themes, the trajectory of your own Skarsgård relationship will be uniquely determined by Skarsgårdian free will, Nordic jurisprudence, and increasingly unpredictable ice floes.

You may be wondering, with odds like these, exactly how many of our matches have resulted in marriage and Swedish citizenship. While the success rate of Skarsgård Green-Card Marriages is currently at zero (noll), we’re encouraged by the odds of one in seventeen to forty-one Skarsgårds eventually being worn down enough to settle for one of our alluring clients. (Technically, one client was briefly engaged to Shemp Skarsgård, but things were called off when it came to light that she had lied on her application about liking coffee.)

But don’t focus on the negative. One in ten Skarsgårdologists agree that securing a successful marriage and Swedish citizenship through our service is within the realm of quantum possibility, making it more likely than surviving the fall of the two-hundred-and-fifty-year-old empire that you’re currently trapped in. Seems like a no-brainer (a term which has yet to force its way into the Swedish lexicon).

Reach out today to secure your seat at the smörgåsbord of survival by maybe marrying a Skarsgård. One in ten Skarsgårdologists can’t be wrong! ♦