Humor
157 articles
Humor
Late-Night Dorm-Room Conversation Topics, Updated for Middle Age
Fuck, Marry, Kill: Income-tax returns, life-insurance policies, that folder explaining benefits that you received from H.R. when you were onboarded, and then immediately lost?
深夜宿舍话题，中年更新版
操、娶、杀：报税单、人寿保险、入职时HR给你的那份福利说明文件夹——然后你立刻弄丢了？
Humor
Some Legacy Sequels We Hope Are Never Made
But if you’re reading this and want to green-light one, please don’t hesitate to be in touch.
我们希望永远不会被拍摄的遗产续集
但如果你正在读这篇文章，并想批准其中一部，请随时联系我们。
Humor
Instructions for Watching My Girlfriend While I’m Out of Town
Make sure that water is always available to Blythe, but don’t freak out if she doesn’t drink much. Blythe believes that hydration is “a conspiracy invented by Gatorade.”
我不在时，如何照看我的女友
确保布莱斯随时有水喝，但如果她喝得不多，也别慌张。布莱斯认为补水是“佳得乐发明的阴谋”。
Humor
Welcome to Career Day
I spend two-ish hours messing around with an A.I. chatbot, as per the company’s new mandate, teaching it how to do my job so that it can replace me. Any questions?
欢迎来到职业日
我花了大约两个小时与一个人工智能聊天机器人周旋，按照公司的新规定，教它如何做我的工作，以便它能取代我。有什么问题吗？
Humor
Seven Steps to Financial Success, According to a Guy Who Won a Multimillion-Dollar Lawsuit Against the Circus
You can optimize your chances by insuring that you’re in the best possible position to get whacked in the face by wealth and prosperity.
七步迈向财务成功，据一位赢得对马戏团数百万美元诉讼的人士所言
你可以通过确保自己处于最有可能被财富和繁荣迎面击中的位置来优化你的机会。
Humor
Google Chrome’s Latest Updates
We understand that downloading and re-starting your browser disrupts your workflow, but you weren’t working anyway.
谷歌浏览器最新更新
我们理解下载并重启浏览器会打断你的工作流程，但反正你也没在工作。
Humor
The Least-Wanted Items at My Parents’ Estate Sale
Seventeen years’ worth of National Geographics, stacked by my father in order of “least to most erotic.” Price: $400.
父母旧物拍卖中最无人问津的物品
父亲按“从最不色情到最色情”顺序堆叠的十七年《国家地理》杂志，标价400美元。
Humor
What Your Swimwear Says About You
Yellow polka-dot bikini: you were deeply affected by a Yoplait Light commercial as a youth and consider this suit to be the physical manifestation of confidence.
你的泳衣透露了什么
黄色波点比基尼：你年轻时深受Yoplait Light广告影响，认为这件泳衣是自信的实体化表现。
Humor
First-Date Montage
Yes, I am odd, but I am still multifaceted.
初次约会蒙太奇
是的，我古怪，但我依然多面。
Humor
Everything That Will Happen After I Silence My Phone at the Movie Theatre
The customer-service representative from whom I’ve been waiting for a callback for fifty-three hours will call me back one minute before I turn my phone back on.
我在电影院静音手机后将会发生的一切
我等了五十三小时回电的客服代表，会在我开机前一分钟打来。
Humor
Help—I’m a Narrator Stuck in the Calm.com Meditation App!
Sure, rhythmic, pattering rain can help regulate your nervous system, and trigger your autonomous sensory meridian response, but me? I’m wet.
救命——我成了Calm.com冥想应用里的旁白！
诚然，有节奏的淅沥雨声能帮助调节你的神经系统，触发你的自主感觉经络反应，但我呢？我浑身湿透了。
Humor
America!: Newly Declassified Secrets from the C.I.A.’s Ice-Cream Archives
Orange-creamsicle lovers and a cult of soft-serve radicals, revealed.
美国！：中情局冰淇淋档案最新解密机密
橙味奶油冰棒爱好者与软冰淇淋激进派崇拜，揭晓。
Humor
Instructions for Pet-Sitting My Dog, Cerberus
It’s just an old habit for him to block the front door. If he’s stationed there, do not order delivery.
照看我的狗刻耳柏洛斯的指南
他挡住前门只是老习惯。如果他守在那里，就别点外卖了。
Humor
A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio
No one knows Marco Rubio’s age. It’s part of his mystery. So is his height. Look it up. No one knows.
马尔科·鲁比奥的近乎真实历史
没人知道马尔科·鲁比奥的年龄。这是他神秘的一部分。他的身高也是如此。查一查吧。没人知道。
Humor
What My Life Would Be Like If All of Those Spam Texts Were Legit
I’d have dozens of packages shipped to me from USPSS, USP, and FidEx that only require my signature to obtain.
如果那些垃圾短信都是真的，我的生活会是什么样
我会收到来自USPSS、USP和FidEx寄来的几十个包裹，只需我签名就能领取。
Humor
Memorandum from the National Review Committee for National Day Designations
The Committee continues to recognize National Pizza Day, but denies the petition for a distinct New York-Style Pizza Day.
国家节日命名审查委员会备忘录
委员会继续承认国家披萨日，但驳回了设立独立纽约风味披萨日的请愿。
Humor
Dear Pepper: How to Have Some of It All?
I mourn the professional velocity I️’ve lost, along with a community of friends.
亲爱的佩珀：如何拥有一切的一部分？
莉安娜·芬克撰写幽默建议专栏，探讨一对夫妇在迎来第一个孩子后所面临的选择。
Humor
Bari Weiss Is On It
Our first goal, as with “60 Minutes,” is balance. Lake Mead has been on the north side of the Hoover Dam for too long. When we’re finished, it will be on the south side, too.
巴里·韦斯：我盯上了
我们的首要目标，和《60分钟》一样，是平衡。米德湖在胡佛大坝北边太久了。等我们完工，它也会出现在南边。
Humor
I’ll Pay Twenty Thousand Dollars to Skip Your Jazz Show
How’s cash sound?
我愿出两万美元跳过你的爵士演出
现金如何？
Humor
Aparna Nancherla and Josh Gondelman Enter the Cartoon Caption Contest
The comedians try their hand at captioning New Yorker cartoons.
Aparna Nancherla与Josh Gondelman加入漫画标题竞赛
两位喜剧演员尝试为《纽约客》漫画配文。
Humor
The Saddest Happy Hours in N.Y.C.
Featuring live-band karaoke and B.Y.O.T. (bring your own tortilla) Tuesdays.
纽约市最悲伤的欢乐时光
特色包括现场乐队卡拉OK和自带玉米饼星期二。
Humor
To-Do List for While My Baby Naps
Get down to Inbox Zero. Or at least Inbox 7,329, which would still be a big improvement.
宝宝小睡时的待办清单
把收件箱清空到零。或者至少降到7,329封，那也算巨大进步了。
Humor
The Odyssey 3: IMAXimum Impact
Speak now, muse, of the ministrations of Damon, friend of Affleck and foe of Kimmel, who bravely grew out his beard for a year.
《奥德赛3：IMAXimum冲击》
缪斯啊，请讲述达蒙的侍奉——他是阿弗莱克之友、金梅尔之敌，勇敢地蓄须一整年。
Humor
How to Write When You’re Feeling Stuck
If you focus on writing a thousand words a day, you won’t feel overwhelmed by the fact that you’ve been trapped in a submarine for the past year and a half.
写作卡壳时该怎么办
如果你专注于每天写一千字，就不会因为过去一年半被困在潜艇里而感到不堪重负。
