关于应付朋友那个古怪男友的应用题
伊丽莎白表示很受伤，杰西卡竟仅凭一个小怪癖就评判蒂姆。杰西卡回答说，那可不只是一个小怪癖。蒂姆到底有多少个怪癖？
Word Problems About Dealing with a Friend’s Weird Boyfriend
Elizabeth expresses hurt that Jessica would judge Tim based on just one quirk. Jessica replies that it’s not just one quirk. How many quirks does Tim have?
没被救下的狗
人们总爱大谈那一百零一只斑点狗如何从库伊拉·德维尔手中获救，却很少有人提起那一百零二只斑点狗。
Dogs That Weren’t Rescued
People make a big deal about the hundred and one Dalmatians, and how they were saved from Cruella de Vil, but rarely do you hear about the hundred-and-second Dalmatian.
我曾是一匹马
我曾强大、优雅、光彩夺目。
I Used to Be a Horse
I was powerful, graceful, and gorgeous.
你宁愿打电话也不发短信的理由
你懒得打字，而且你心里清楚得很，我只会让它转到语音信箱，然后照样用短信回你。
Reasons You Might Be Calling Me Instead of Texting
You’re feeling too lazy to text, and you know perfectly well that I’m just going to let it go to voice mail and then text my response anyway.
一些被糟蹋的外国片名翻译
《沙丘2》在澳大利亚被译成《那些疯虫子停不下来，哥们》：你以为内陆那些狡猾的蛇就够让人崩溃了？哥们，你还什么都没见识过呢！
Some Mangled Foreign Title Translations
“Dune: Part Two” to “Those Mad Worms Won’t Stop, Mate” (Australia): You think those dodgy snakes in the outback are devo? You ain’t seen nothing, mate!
被医学误解
显然是你五岁时纹的那个纹身导致了感染，就当这是个教训吧……
Medically Misunderstood
Clearly your five-year-old tattoo is causing the infection, so let this be a lesson to you . . .
我开始怀疑FDA只是想让我自己做饭
今天早上，该机构敦促我立即扔掉从商店买来的烤鸡，转而用经典的法式蔬菜底料炖一根羊小腿。
I’m Starting to Suspect That the F.D.A. Is Just Trying to Get Me to Cook
This morning, the agency urged me to immediately discard my store-bought rotisserie chicken and instead braise a lamb shank in a classic mirepoix.
我们迄今查获的选民舞弊
在翻查了数十亿张选票之后，我们发现了不计其数的选民舞弊案例。之所以不计其数，部分原因在于我们既不愿意、也没有能力数到三十四以上。
Voter Fraud We’ve Identified So Far
After scouring billions of ballots, we have identified countless instances of voter fraud. They are countless, in part, because we are unwilling and unable to count past thirty-four.
我可以成为的新型传统妻子
只穿搭：我看起来完全像是《草原小屋》性感版里的角色，但我拒绝做任何一件家务。
New Kinds of Trad Wife I Could Be
Outfit Only: I totally look like I’m in a sexy version of “Little House on the Prairie,” but I refuse to do a single chore.
艺术展位现正展出
就算艺术市场不复存在，你至少还能拥有一幅巴特·辛普森的画像。
Currently on View in an Art-Fair Booth
If the art market ceases to exist, you’ll at least have a painting of Bart Simpson.
人工智能可能这样做的几种方式
人工智能告诉一半的人及膝袜流行，告诉另一半的人隐形袜流行，然后所有人都在袜子大战中丧命。
Some Ways A.I. Might Do It
A.I. tells fifty per cent of people that knee-high socks are in and the other fifty per cent that no-show socks are in, and everyone dies in the Sock Wars.
你父母的秋季电视前瞻
你有没有考虑过在MS NOW上看“每天六小时MSNBC”（或者福克斯新闻，取决于你具体是哪家的父母）？
Your Parents’ Fall TV Preview
Have you considered “Six Hours a Day of MSNBC” on MS NOW (or Fox News, depending on your specific parents)?
简·奥斯汀作品标题更新版
包括《脑腐第三空间》和《潮到飞起》。
Updated Jane Austen Titles
Including “Brain-Rot Third Space” and “Based and Vibey.”
我愿意接受的安排
婚姻很难；而安排则性感、大胆、成熟。结婚等于说"我是个浪漫的人"，而有个安排则等于说"我懂这世界怎么运转"。
Arrangements I Would Accept
Marriage is hard; an arrangement is sexy, bold, mature. Getting married says, “I’m a romantic.” Having an arrangement says, “I know how the world works.”
深夜宿舍话题，中年更新版
操、娶、杀：报税单、人寿保险、入职时HR给你的那份福利说明文件夹——然后你立刻弄丢了？
Late-Night Dorm-Room Conversation Topics, Updated for Middle Age
Fuck, Marry, Kill: Income-tax returns, life-insurance policies, that folder explaining benefits that you received from H.R. when you were onboarded, and then immediately lost?
我们希望永远不会被拍摄的遗产续集
但如果你正在读这篇文章，并想批准其中一部，请随时联系我们。
Some Legacy Sequels We Hope Are Never Made
But if you’re reading this and want to green-light one, please don’t hesitate to be in touch.
我不在时，如何照看我的女友
确保布莱斯随时有水喝，但如果她喝得不多，也别慌张。布莱斯认为补水是“佳得乐发明的阴谋”。
Instructions for Watching My Girlfriend While I’m Out of Town
Make sure that water is always available to Blythe, but don’t freak out if she doesn’t drink much. Blythe believes that hydration is “a conspiracy invented by Gatorade.”
欢迎来到职业日
我花了大约两个小时与一个人工智能聊天机器人周旋，按照公司的新规定，教它如何做我的工作，以便它能取代我。有什么问题吗？
Welcome to Career Day
I spend two-ish hours messing around with an A.I. chatbot, as per the company’s new mandate, teaching it how to do my job so that it can replace me. Any questions?
七步迈向财务成功，据一位赢得对马戏团数百万美元诉讼的人士所言
你可以通过确保自己处于最有可能被财富和繁荣迎面击中的位置来优化你的机会。
Seven Steps to Financial Success, According to a Guy Who Won a Multimillion-Dollar Lawsuit Against the Circus
You can optimize your chances by insuring that you’re in the best possible position to get whacked in the face by wealth and prosperity.
谷歌浏览器最新更新
我们理解下载并重启浏览器会打断你的工作流程，但反正你也没在工作。
Google Chrome’s Latest Updates
We understand that downloading and re-starting your browser disrupts your workflow, but you weren’t working anyway.
父母旧物拍卖中最无人问津的物品
父亲按“从最不色情到最色情”顺序堆叠的十七年《国家地理》杂志，标价400美元。
The Least-Wanted Items at My Parents’ Estate Sale
Seventeen years’ worth of National Geographics, stacked by my father in order of “least to most erotic.” Price: $400.
你的泳衣透露了什么
黄色波点比基尼：你年轻时深受Yoplait Light广告影响，认为这件泳衣是自信的实体化表现。
What Your Swimwear Says About You
Yellow polka-dot bikini: you were deeply affected by a Yoplait Light commercial as a youth and consider this suit to be the physical manifestation of confidence.
初次约会蒙太奇
是的，我古怪，但我依然多面。
First-Date Montage
Yes, I am odd, but I am still multifaceted.
我在电影院静音手机后将会发生的一切
我等了五十三小时回电的客服代表，会在我开机前一分钟打来。
Everything That Will Happen After I Silence My Phone at the Movie Theatre
The customer-service representative from whom I’ve been waiting for a callback for fifty-three hours will call me back one minute before I turn my phone back on.